is 30 too late to be young?
In darker times, I find myself thinking that it’s too late for me. Well, I should rephrase. My life has ended up in a pretty good spot. I am blessed with a profitable career (🧿) which I find interesting enough and not too difficult. I live with a loving and supportive partner.
I was reading responses to someone asking if it’s too late to start over at 30. Plenty of people have their stories about how they started their lives over and enjoy satisfaction and success. Hell, my partner is the same age as me and is doing his bachelors degree.
I feel at the same time too old and too young. The things that were hard 15 years ago don’t feel any easier now. I don’t feel like I grew up any in that time. Mitski put it best: I was so young when I behaved 25/ yet now I find I’ve grown into a tall child my therapist says I’ve grown, but I pay her to say that.
I wish I studied abroad. I wish I experienced life in the city. I wish I remembered the year where I did live in the city. I wish that I can make choices without asking for permission. I wish I had that ability 15 years ago. Once I get out of debt, maybe I can travel. I can earn up to 15 business days of vacation over the course of a year. Makes me think “why bother?” When I think about traveling, I feel sad to not live somewhere for a while. I’ve never really tried traveling before, maybe I’d feel differently if I did it. It’s pretty rich to fantasize about that when I get panic attacks driving 40 minutes to the other side of town.
The real problem here is I only know how to do what I’m told. Plenty of people make huge life changes at my age. It won’t happen overnight. I have to work every single day to change the pattern my brain follows. I haven’t succeeded yet, but maybe tomorrow will be different. Right now, I just don’t see a point.
I’m not even sure what it is I feel I’m too old to do. Lately I’ve been watching Tally Hall and having a great time, but when I watch their tour videos I feel a a rusty scratch at the back of my mind. “They’re 23 here. They did all this and then they moved on. Even if I figure out how to live for myself, I will never, ever be young again.”
Maybe I will learn how to live for myself. Maybe I’ll learn what I want. Maybe I learn what I want and it’s not too late to try. I don’t believe these words, but for now I’ll pretend I do.